New art stuff

So I'm doing three self-portraits for my 2-D design class but I have never drawn any realistic human before so this is hard. I'm also realizing that I see myself differently than what I was drawing. lol

But so far the drawing is looking good, now i gotta work on getting my hair, skin, and eye color correct using oil pastels: blue, red, yellow, and white. So this is pretty tough. :/

I also worked with Indian Paint for the first time and its messy but kinda cool looking. I painted a still life of a cow/ bull skull. :P

Mind Adjustment

Right now I really want to focus on God, school, church/ ministry, and relationships. I need to really see the bigger picture and I know that's not going to happen if I don't search for it and just stay online for hours. So I will be taking a break from the internet. I will check my emails but that's all the online communication I will have. I really feel God just pulling on my heart and saying "Come a little closer, draw a little nearer." I need Him more than anything in my life. That's why I choose to go and learn His heart.

Here is a song I wrote last week:

"Jesus, have Your way, Jesus have Your way,
Not my will but Yours be done, Not my will but Yours be done
Let Your kingdom come on the earth today.

Teach us how to pray,
Teach us how to walk,
Teach us how to live,
Teach us how to love."

^"1Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. ²Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things."
Col. 3:1-2

Draw me away.

I have begun a fast and just feel the tenderness of God around me. I feel Him speak to me and I really need to hear His words and understand them. Jesus said "Let him who has ears, hear." I want to know the heart of Jesus and what His will is. Last night I had a couple of dreams that all had to do with me being in or going to Kansas City. I even saw signs on the side of this road that were related to IHOP-KC in my dream.

I don't clearly know yet what it all means, I don't have it all figured out but I will run with God. He will sustain me in my lovesick weakness. I will be a voluntary lover who chooses to be weak and lean into her Beloved for strength. He's my Rock, my Salvation, my Light, my STRENGTH! I have confidence that the Lord will do great things as I RUN.

"Draw me after you and let us run together!"
Song of Solomon 1:4

Waiting for the Rain...

This week has been one of the most stressful weeks of my life! I feel like I've been beat up and left on the ground and when I try to get up something else comes and beats me down... Many things happened which I wasn't expecting but through it all I know God is my witness He watches over me. He will be faithful and I will trust Him, I will wait on Him. I have to lean into my Beloved and find my strength in the shadow of His wings. I need to learn how to really rely on my God for everything, to really hope in Him, to really give Him all I am, to just love Him rightly. I need grace, I need strength, I need Jesus--my victorious Savior.

"David was anointed as king and had to wait 20 years for it to come forth. We don't understand "waiting on the Lord." Ryan Kondo

I Surrender...

Main Entry: ¹sur·ren·der

Pronunciation: \sə-ˈren-dər\

Function: verb

Inflected Form(s): sur·ren·dered; sur·ren·der·ing \-d(ə-)riŋ\

Etymology: Middle English surrendren, from surrendre, noun

Date: 15th century

transitive verb 1 a : to yield to the power, control, or possession of another upon compulsion or demand <surrendered the fort> b : to give up completely or agree to forgo especially in favor of another
2 a : to give (oneself) up into the power of another especially as a prisoner b : to give (oneself) over to something (as an influence)intransitive verb : to give oneself up into the power of another : yield

synonyms see relinquish


I looked up the word "surrender" and I liked the way the Merriam- Webster dictionary defined it. This word surrender has been on my heart almost all summer but especially this week. Although He doesn't force us to surrender, we must choose to do this with the free will He's given us. I started reading a book called, "Making Jesus Lord" by Loren Cunningham. I've only read about five chapters but it is such a good message that I can't put the book down, which is odd because I either get really bored while reading or very sleepy. Anyway, this book is all about the power that comes when we lay down our rights. Surrendering to God can be such a scary thing because we give up all control and let HIM be in control, not even knowing what the outcome will be. The Lord loves a broken and a contrite heart, if you're sincere about surrendering before the Lord he will not turn you away. He delights in us when we give Him all that we have. There are different types of surrenders. We can surrender our emotions, our future, our finances, our thoughts/ concerns, our relationships, and our life. Many blessings will be poured out if we will just turn to Him with all of our heart. I love the way Joel 2:13 says it, "Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the LORD your God for He is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love, and He relents over disaster."

I was listening to a song by Brian and Jenn Johnson called, "Where you go I go" and this one lyric stuck out to me greatly: "So how can I expect to walk without You when every move that Jesus made was in surrender?" This just takes me back to when Jesus went to the wilderness for forty days to be tested as He fasted and prayed. The heart of this very Man was always in such a position of surrender that He gave up every earthly desire and every offense brought against Him by scoffers, He was even crucified after being falsely accused of crimes but He submitted Himself and His will to do His Father's will. Oh, that I would learn His heart and follow His will without any reservations! Even to surrender my problems or any self-conscious thoughts that hinder me from going deeper in His love. Father, I want to be a friend of the Bridegroom! Lay down every right, every offense, every lie that I feel is true but doesn't please the Father's heart, everything...I SURRENDER! I put down my guard and I expose my heart to God, whatever it looks like, whatever condition it has been in knowing that He will take care of it the best.

There will be joy, because my food is to do the will of Him who sent me, who commissioned me. There's a different kind of peace when you give up control over everything because Jesus said not to worry, He would give you every good gift from Heaven. Let us seek to have a surrendered heart at all times.

Spirit Led for Life

I was reminded today about living a Spirit-led life. In Romans chapter 8, it talks about being already set free from our sinful nature and being able to choose to follow the Spirit's leading. In Galatians chapter 5 it talks about no longer living under the law but being free in Christ and having the ability to follow His Spirit. I've noticed that some people in the church don't understand what being Spirit led is (I'm not saying I'm an expert on this either), whether it be because of a religious spirit or fear or whatever it might be, some Christians don't know how to follow the Spirit.

I think we should ask questions everyday such as this:
What are You feeling today, God?
What are You thinking about right now, Holy Spirit?
How can I serve You today, Jesus?
What's on Your heart, Father?

Asking these will start your day off alert and following the Spirit. I am also reminded of Psalm 23 and how the Lord is our leader (shepherd), we need to submit to His authority and His leadership and follow Him, even when we feel like failures. It honors and blesses His heart so much to see a man or woman after His own heart. He delights in the weak and foolish things of this world and uses them powerfully. Another verse I am reminded of is when Jesus finds the two men in the boat and says, "Take up your cross and follow me." If we share in the sufferings of Christ we will surely share in the glory as well. He is ever interceding for us and I can't thank Him enough for that because I honestly don't know what I would do if I didn't have my own Maker thinking about my well being constantly. He's is so good, even when we don't see a blessing come out of a certain circumstance or situation. God's timing is perfect and He will not forget about the promises He's made for our lives. He is perfect, doesn't make mistakes, He knows exactly where He's taking you and what He's doing. Trust in Him and His leadership, always.

A crown of beauty instead of ashes

I believe this new season I'm stepping into is a season of healing and restoration. Last night at Burning Man Ministries they had a night of healing and I went up for physical healing but didn't feel any change at all. So I left from the "physical healing section" and went to talk to one of the ladies there. She prayed something over me that I didn't understand so I felt a little weird about that. I felt as though she was rejecting me in a nice way. So I went to sit on this couch in the back of the room, right there, without anyone praying for me or anything I felt God's presence come. I felt Him confronting me with my feelings of rejection and a series of attacks that I always get in my sleep. I felt as though He was highlighting this area in my heart, so a couple people recognized this as well and started praying for me. One lady had a vision of a female eagle who had her wings by her side as if she wanted to stretch them out a little but was afraid because every time she would spread her wings someone or something would wound her badly. On the inner parts of her wings she had wounds and scars and every time she would try and stretch them out she would see some feathers falling out so she would quickly put them back at her side. But the Lord was telling the eagle/ me to spread my wings as wide as they could be stretched so that he could start the healing work. This was my broken and contrite heart saying "yes" to Him. That so touched my heart because I had felt that exact way for so long and felt the Lord calling me out of that place of hurt, rejection, and sorrow into a place of freedom, deliverance, and joy. 

After some much needed prayer a man told me he was reminded of a story in the bible where a certain character had so much power/ authority to cause so much destruction but that he could've easily turned that around and done something extraordinary for God. This man told me "Many are called but few are chosen, and you are one of the few chosen ones that is going to lead this generation to God." He said I have a similarity with that bible character but I have to choose to step up to the opportunity and lead the church into restoration and not destruction. And so the healing process goes on, it's up to me to keep going back to the healer until I'm completely healed, and I will be.

So this season of restoration, healing, renewal, and refreshing has come! Finally! Oh how incredible to feel this supernatural power of and All- Powerful, Almighty God! This is the season that this one lady in the Prophecy Rooms was talking about, a time where Jesus was reaching into my heart and making everything new, I am going to be a new person after He completes the work. He is the master surgeon after all and I can't wait to have my new heart!

      Song of Solomon 2:11-12

¹¹ Look, the winter is past;
       the rains are over and gone.
 ¹² Blossoms appear through all the land.
       The time has come to sing;
       the cooing of doves is heard in our land.