My heart is jumping!! :D

Today was such an awesome day. Some totally unexpected things happened and it was all good. I went to a service at this small church where i heard a team from ihop-kc were going to be. There were only about 20 people there in total. But it was so cool. The speaker was talking about harp and bowl, fasting and praying, and then ended with Anna the prophetess. When he talked about these things, my heart got so enthusiastic, I couldn't keep it in, I was tapping my feet on the floor excited about what the Lord was showing me!!

When we all went up for prayer this girl came up to pray for me and it was all good stuff. Most of it was super accurate too so that made me even more happy. I was just a happy girl tonight, yes indeed. I felt the Lord speak to me during worship and say "I'm strengthening you." Then the speaker later said God wants to give us strength and empower us! I feel so strong right now. I feel like the Jesus that's in me is really a might man of war. This is great. I feel solid. Praise Yahweh!

Oh and Happy Channukah! :)

Even through afflictions, I still know Your affections.

I feel like I have been going through one of the roughest seasons in my spiritual life. I'm so occupied with school that I hardly get to do other things which is getting me stressed. I know God has to be preparing me for something, perhaps leaving to KC or something bigger.

Last night I was up most the night, because I took a nap yesterday and when I finally went to sleep I had really terrible nightmares. I woke up scared but relieved that I was awake. I started asking God what was going on and there was just silence for a few minutes. I started telling Him how this spiritual warfare or whatever it was made me feel and I started to cry a little bit. In one of the dreams, I got the revelation that my identity in Christ was going to be what scared the enemy the most. In the dream I started to declare that I was a daughter of the Most High, I was an heir of Christ, I said "I am His and He is mine! I am His and He is mine!" As I said that I felt empowered, not from mere words but from the realization that Christ loved me, He was going to see me through this valley of shadows. 

When I woke up I kept declaring over myself my identity in Christ and He spoke to me through a song that Misty Edwards sang last week in the prayer room. It says, "Angels, O Angels gather 'round! Angels, O Angels look and see! Angels, O Angels look and see, through that dark night of faith she's still gazing at Me!" I just broke down crying. I knew that God was there in the room with me. I knew that He loved me, He really loved me! It sounds cliche but I was filled with the Spirit and started crying out "You love me! You REALLY love me!!" It was such a tender moment with my Father. I knew that He would do ANYTHING to protect me and wouldn't let anything harm me. I knew that He heard my cry. I felt that I needed to release everything up to Him because He knows me better than I know myself. So I had an incredible encounter with the Lord at dawn. What an amazing God I have! <3

Beauty in Nature

Tuesday's sunset on the U.S. side of the Rio Grande.

Thursday's sunrise on the U.S. side of the Rio Grande.

(Later) Thursday's sunrise on Rio Grande.

Despite what violence is going on in this region, which took place only a couple of miles from this site, I still see this as beautiful. There was a sense of serenity as I stood by the river and just watched the sun rise and shed its light on this magnificent scene. The colors in these shots didn't clash but wonderfully co-existed, they accented each others best hues and values. One reason I love sunrises is because EVERYTHING is completely dark and motionless but as the sun begins to peak over the horizon, it's almost as if everything comes to life. Everything is filled with color and you can see the Spirit of God stirring the atmosphere. It's incredible. I am undone every time I experience a sunrise. I feel the love of God and the warm embrace of the Sun He created.

So much on my mind.

This morning a good friend and father figure in my life went to heaven. I have really mixed emotions about his passing. I know God's will has to be done no matter what. I trust that God always knows what He's doing and His plans are to work out everything for our good.

For the past few nights I have been having nightmares/ night terrors. It's been hard to get physical and spiritual rest just because of everything. Ever since I could remember, I've had two specific types of nightmares that just leave me in shock almost. I don't know why I have these but the feelings they cause me to feel are fear, pain, and almost isolation. I don't know if they're just attacks or there's some kind of meaning behind them.

I talked to a friend from IHOP-KC last night over the phone. We got to catch up on each other's lives and encourage each other. I told her I might not be able to go to the OneThing conference at the end of the year because of money issues so she prayed if God really wanted me to go, He would make a way and provide. This morning I woke up and checked Facebook. To my surprise Southwest Airlines is having a 3-day sale on flights to certain cities. So I really want to go now. I feel like that was God's way of saying "Yes". I'm also going to ask for people to possibly sponsor and support me.

I want to start writing songs again. Especially after this lady prayed for me at the Keith Miller meeting and said that I needed to release songs and psalms. Basically prayers in song form. God is currently teaching me about that. Just speaking to Him through my songs. It's very impacting because others go through the same feelings and situations and I feel like God wants to start something new with this.

Also, I feel some inspiration in the area of art. I got scriptures and put them into picture form. I've always wanted to draw things from the bible because it helped me understand the stories and scenarios better. But now I have combined scriptures from different testaments and books. They create a revelation in my mind like nothing else could.

I have this strange uneasy feeling in my stomach and it's like a mix of emotions that make me feel like my stomach wants to explode. It's not a physical feeling but I can feel it inside. Something is definitely stirring up. I'm currently reading "Is that really You, God?" by Loren Cunningham of YWAM. All the stories and adventures that he talks about just stir me up even more and make my heart yearn for the lost. Even though it's about learning to hear the voice of God and taking Him at His word, I get this yearning inside for the lost and the poor that have NO HOPE, because their IS HOPE and his name is JESUS.

-beautiful crown.

Embrace by Jake Hamilton // Marked by Heaven

My third self-portrait for my 2-D design class had to be an emotional one; some kind of memory or feeling that really impacted me. I had no idea what to do because most of my memories don't make too much sense to me in an artsy form. But this feeling of freedom kept coming to mind. So I got this picture in my head of shackles or a rope being broken or torn off and this sense of relief that "it's all gonna be okay". I thought about how Jesus said His Father takes care of the sparrows that are defenseless and have no home then surely He care more about the one's He created out of dust and called His friends.

The drawing is a sparrow flying out of it's cage because the door has been opened but there was a rope tied around it's neck attached to the door of the cage that was keeping it from REALLY being free. The moment I captured was when the rope had just ripped and the sparrow was truly free. I feel like when we cut off things that are going to hold us back, we really get a sense of that sparrow being free knowing that it's Maker is caring for it.

To me, it's shows that struggle that we go through wanting to be free but knowing we are only living in a false freedom such as a religious spirit or even holding yourself back from your full potential by always seeing the negative in yourself.

That moment of freedom is like no other. Yes, you are tired of struggling and trying to get free on your own, but when you let the Maker take care of you, you finally get what Jesus was talking about when He said "Don't worry about anything". Whatever you dream of doing; God has an even greater plan and dream for your life, it's all about trusting Him.

-beautiful crown

New art stuff

So I'm doing three self-portraits for my 2-D design class but I have never drawn any realistic human before so this is hard. I'm also realizing that I see myself differently than what I was drawing. lol

But so far the drawing is looking good, now i gotta work on getting my hair, skin, and eye color correct using oil pastels: blue, red, yellow, and white. So this is pretty tough. :/

I also worked with Indian Paint for the first time and its messy but kinda cool looking. I painted a still life of a cow/ bull skull. :P

Mind Adjustment

Right now I really want to focus on God, school, church/ ministry, and relationships. I need to really see the bigger picture and I know that's not going to happen if I don't search for it and just stay online for hours. So I will be taking a break from the internet. I will check my emails but that's all the online communication I will have. I really feel God just pulling on my heart and saying "Come a little closer, draw a little nearer." I need Him more than anything in my life. That's why I choose to go and learn His heart.

Here is a song I wrote last week:

"Jesus, have Your way, Jesus have Your way,
Not my will but Yours be done, Not my will but Yours be done
Let Your kingdom come on the earth today.

Teach us how to pray,
Teach us how to walk,
Teach us how to live,
Teach us how to love."

^"1Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. ²Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things."
Col. 3:1-2

Draw me away.

I have begun a fast and just feel the tenderness of God around me. I feel Him speak to me and I really need to hear His words and understand them. Jesus said "Let him who has ears, hear." I want to know the heart of Jesus and what His will is. Last night I had a couple of dreams that all had to do with me being in or going to Kansas City. I even saw signs on the side of this road that were related to IHOP-KC in my dream.

I don't clearly know yet what it all means, I don't have it all figured out but I will run with God. He will sustain me in my lovesick weakness. I will be a voluntary lover who chooses to be weak and lean into her Beloved for strength. He's my Rock, my Salvation, my Light, my STRENGTH! I have confidence that the Lord will do great things as I RUN.

"Draw me after you and let us run together!"
Song of Solomon 1:4

Waiting for the Rain...

This week has been one of the most stressful weeks of my life! I feel like I've been beat up and left on the ground and when I try to get up something else comes and beats me down... Many things happened which I wasn't expecting but through it all I know God is my witness He watches over me. He will be faithful and I will trust Him, I will wait on Him. I have to lean into my Beloved and find my strength in the shadow of His wings. I need to learn how to really rely on my God for everything, to really hope in Him, to really give Him all I am, to just love Him rightly. I need grace, I need strength, I need Jesus--my victorious Savior.

"David was anointed as king and had to wait 20 years for it to come forth. We don't understand "waiting on the Lord." Ryan Kondo

I Surrender...

Main Entry: ¹sur·ren·der

Pronunciation: \sə-ˈren-dər\

Function: verb

Inflected Form(s): sur·ren·dered; sur·ren·der·ing \-d(ə-)riŋ\

Etymology: Middle English surrendren, from surrendre, noun

Date: 15th century

transitive verb 1 a : to yield to the power, control, or possession of another upon compulsion or demand <surrendered the fort> b : to give up completely or agree to forgo especially in favor of another
2 a : to give (oneself) up into the power of another especially as a prisoner b : to give (oneself) over to something (as an influence)intransitive verb : to give oneself up into the power of another : yield

synonyms see relinquish


I looked up the word "surrender" and I liked the way the Merriam- Webster dictionary defined it. This word surrender has been on my heart almost all summer but especially this week. Although He doesn't force us to surrender, we must choose to do this with the free will He's given us. I started reading a book called, "Making Jesus Lord" by Loren Cunningham. I've only read about five chapters but it is such a good message that I can't put the book down, which is odd because I either get really bored while reading or very sleepy. Anyway, this book is all about the power that comes when we lay down our rights. Surrendering to God can be such a scary thing because we give up all control and let HIM be in control, not even knowing what the outcome will be. The Lord loves a broken and a contrite heart, if you're sincere about surrendering before the Lord he will not turn you away. He delights in us when we give Him all that we have. There are different types of surrenders. We can surrender our emotions, our future, our finances, our thoughts/ concerns, our relationships, and our life. Many blessings will be poured out if we will just turn to Him with all of our heart. I love the way Joel 2:13 says it, "Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the LORD your God for He is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love, and He relents over disaster."

I was listening to a song by Brian and Jenn Johnson called, "Where you go I go" and this one lyric stuck out to me greatly: "So how can I expect to walk without You when every move that Jesus made was in surrender?" This just takes me back to when Jesus went to the wilderness for forty days to be tested as He fasted and prayed. The heart of this very Man was always in such a position of surrender that He gave up every earthly desire and every offense brought against Him by scoffers, He was even crucified after being falsely accused of crimes but He submitted Himself and His will to do His Father's will. Oh, that I would learn His heart and follow His will without any reservations! Even to surrender my problems or any self-conscious thoughts that hinder me from going deeper in His love. Father, I want to be a friend of the Bridegroom! Lay down every right, every offense, every lie that I feel is true but doesn't please the Father's heart, everything...I SURRENDER! I put down my guard and I expose my heart to God, whatever it looks like, whatever condition it has been in knowing that He will take care of it the best.

There will be joy, because my food is to do the will of Him who sent me, who commissioned me. There's a different kind of peace when you give up control over everything because Jesus said not to worry, He would give you every good gift from Heaven. Let us seek to have a surrendered heart at all times.

Spirit Led for Life

I was reminded today about living a Spirit-led life. In Romans chapter 8, it talks about being already set free from our sinful nature and being able to choose to follow the Spirit's leading. In Galatians chapter 5 it talks about no longer living under the law but being free in Christ and having the ability to follow His Spirit. I've noticed that some people in the church don't understand what being Spirit led is (I'm not saying I'm an expert on this either), whether it be because of a religious spirit or fear or whatever it might be, some Christians don't know how to follow the Spirit.

I think we should ask questions everyday such as this:
What are You feeling today, God?
What are You thinking about right now, Holy Spirit?
How can I serve You today, Jesus?
What's on Your heart, Father?

Asking these will start your day off alert and following the Spirit. I am also reminded of Psalm 23 and how the Lord is our leader (shepherd), we need to submit to His authority and His leadership and follow Him, even when we feel like failures. It honors and blesses His heart so much to see a man or woman after His own heart. He delights in the weak and foolish things of this world and uses them powerfully. Another verse I am reminded of is when Jesus finds the two men in the boat and says, "Take up your cross and follow me." If we share in the sufferings of Christ we will surely share in the glory as well. He is ever interceding for us and I can't thank Him enough for that because I honestly don't know what I would do if I didn't have my own Maker thinking about my well being constantly. He's is so good, even when we don't see a blessing come out of a certain circumstance or situation. God's timing is perfect and He will not forget about the promises He's made for our lives. He is perfect, doesn't make mistakes, He knows exactly where He's taking you and what He's doing. Trust in Him and His leadership, always.

A crown of beauty instead of ashes

I believe this new season I'm stepping into is a season of healing and restoration. Last night at Burning Man Ministries they had a night of healing and I went up for physical healing but didn't feel any change at all. So I left from the "physical healing section" and went to talk to one of the ladies there. She prayed something over me that I didn't understand so I felt a little weird about that. I felt as though she was rejecting me in a nice way. So I went to sit on this couch in the back of the room, right there, without anyone praying for me or anything I felt God's presence come. I felt Him confronting me with my feelings of rejection and a series of attacks that I always get in my sleep. I felt as though He was highlighting this area in my heart, so a couple people recognized this as well and started praying for me. One lady had a vision of a female eagle who had her wings by her side as if she wanted to stretch them out a little but was afraid because every time she would spread her wings someone or something would wound her badly. On the inner parts of her wings she had wounds and scars and every time she would try and stretch them out she would see some feathers falling out so she would quickly put them back at her side. But the Lord was telling the eagle/ me to spread my wings as wide as they could be stretched so that he could start the healing work. This was my broken and contrite heart saying "yes" to Him. That so touched my heart because I had felt that exact way for so long and felt the Lord calling me out of that place of hurt, rejection, and sorrow into a place of freedom, deliverance, and joy. 

After some much needed prayer a man told me he was reminded of a story in the bible where a certain character had so much power/ authority to cause so much destruction but that he could've easily turned that around and done something extraordinary for God. This man told me "Many are called but few are chosen, and you are one of the few chosen ones that is going to lead this generation to God." He said I have a similarity with that bible character but I have to choose to step up to the opportunity and lead the church into restoration and not destruction. And so the healing process goes on, it's up to me to keep going back to the healer until I'm completely healed, and I will be.

So this season of restoration, healing, renewal, and refreshing has come! Finally! Oh how incredible to feel this supernatural power of and All- Powerful, Almighty God! This is the season that this one lady in the Prophecy Rooms was talking about, a time where Jesus was reaching into my heart and making everything new, I am going to be a new person after He completes the work. He is the master surgeon after all and I can't wait to have my new heart!

      Song of Solomon 2:11-12

¹¹ Look, the winter is past;
       the rains are over and gone.
 ¹² Blossoms appear through all the land.
       The time has come to sing;
       the cooing of doves is heard in our land.

Faithfulness none can deny

Sometimes we feel as though we are going through a season of testing and trials. During these times we sometimes forget how close God really is to us. When we go through the fire we will not be burned, even if it gets tough, Jesus is never going to leave our side, He can't even think about it for a second because this would go against His character which would make Him a liar, the devil wants us to so believe that God has abandoned us in our pain but Jesus is not a liar, never has been, never will be. Looking at the occupation of a refiner, he never leaves the gold in the fire alone but he has to stay there next to it and watch it as all the impurities begin to break the surface so He can quickly remove them. If the gold is fully melted, it's easier for the refiner to skim the top and remove the dirty pieces. He's faithful to finish the work He started.

Now that I said that, I had a similar experience this summer as the Holy Spirit began to yearn jealously for more holiness in my spirit. This caused me to become even hungrier for Jesus and I decided to embark on a 40-day Daniel Fast, strictly following the guidelines because I REALLY wanted to see various breakthroughs in my life. I had a few others interested in the fast so we all decided to do this together. During the fast, I felt as it was almost harder to seek or focus on God because my flesh was weak. Either way, it was a sacrifice that honored God and God honored me for it. Little by little the few others that were fasting with me dropped out of the fast and I felt like I was all alone. My family was going through a really tough time emotionally as well. But Jesus assured me that I was NOT alone, in fact, I had many who were right by my side all along. Right after the fast, the enemy came in so quickly to steal my joy by showing me something that a friend did to me in the past which I didn't know about and was wrong, this caused unforgiveness and bitterness to enter my heart. I was set on not forgiving this person because of what they had done to hurt another person in the body of Christ. 

Right after that I took a 10-day trip to Kansas City, MO to visit the International House of Prayer. The first few days were rough having that wound in my heart and being in such a great atmosphere, this caused me to feel uncomfortable. God finally pinned me down one day after I had tried ignoring what He wanted for a few days. This one day was hectic. My friend Adriana and I went to visit some museums downtown and then were going to the Awakening Service at FCF but we ended up getting into a car accident. I had an appointment at the Prophecy Rooms later that night so I HAD to be there. We tried everything we could in our power to get to the FSM building and when I entered the Prophecy Rooms, it was like I entered a room where it was just me and God. He talked to my heart so intimately and gently that I couldn't resist His spirit. Right then and there, Jesus reached into my heart and began the healing process. It did hurt to have to forgive but Jesus forgave me of so much more than one tiny sin so I knew it was only right to do that. 

The trip I took to IHOP-KC was a time I desperately needed, the renewal and refreshing that came out of it was something I had been longing to feel. I needed to get more confirmation about the things God was calling me to and the identity He had already spoken in me. Satan tried so many times to make me stumble and to cause an angry spirit to influence me but Jesus has so much mercy, He saw me in my sin and had compassion because He saw my weak heart and my weak and broken "yes" to the moving of His spirit. Jesus has faithfulness more consistent than the morning light. Even when I wasn't faithful, He covered me with His faithfulness and I could never turn away from that. The fire was a hard place to be but God is a rewarder and I can hold Him to His word because so far I have seen blessings. I know the process of the fire isn't over but I know this, that I can trust Him with all that I have, give everything I have to live out the first commandment and to His kind spirit.

 

I will lean into my Beloved because my flesh is weak and I can't make it on my own. I will trust in His leading, I will not go about things in vain or in my own strength because if I admit that I am weak to Him he will perfect His strength in me, forevermore. He's holding my hand and guiding my spirit into all truth. I will follow the Lamb, He will be my fire by night and cloud by day.